On Home
Lately my sense of “home” is confusing. I am not yet comfortable here nor do I feel like I totally belong, but the idea of going back to New York sounds even more unappealing, despite how much I miss it. This all leads to me being terribly homesick for Seattle, but then again that also does not feel quite right either. When I close my eyes and I try to picture where I’d feel at home right here, right now, I can’t place it. At night, when it’s just Will and I, drinking wine and humming along to music and going about our evening in perfect harmony, I think this is home, wherever we are. But then I go about my day and that feeling of being out of place again creeps up on me. Sometimes I think about the physical ping that homesickness gives me, and how sometimes I’ll feel that in moments where I’m not sure what exactly I’m missing. It all leads to very deep thoughts about just what home means to me and what it is that I require in a city to live in. I haven’t quite figured that out yet. But I suppose that’s a huge part of the adventure of life, right? It’s a scary thing to think about, but also exciting to feel like you can be in control of your happiness.
What makes you feel at home? I’m making a list for myself, to figure out what I need. I usually field questions to twitter, but 140 characters is not enough for thoughts on home!
Fleet Foxes – Grown Ocean from Fleet Foxes on Vimeo. (On repeat lately, while I think of such thoughts. The video goes well with this.)
ps. this post is random, but I recently decided that my blog is so unbelievably structured sometimes, I thought I’d break out of the box.
photos by me
March 30th, 2011 at 3:32 pm
I totally understand how you feel. I’m from a small town and moved to Las Vegas and after 3 years of living here, it still doesn’t feel like home. For me, home is where my family is but unfortunately I can’t bring my entire family to Vegas so I just have to cope with it. :/ Hope you feel at home soon enough love.<3
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March 30th, 2011 at 3:35 pm
Oh my goodness, I totally understand where you’re coming from. My husband and I moved to Chicago this summer after eight years of NYC life. I still don’t know (in my bones) which city I actually live in or what feels the most like home.
Good luck with your journey :)
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March 30th, 2011 at 3:39 pm
I’ve read it takes ~6 months to feel good in a new place. And it took about that long when I moved to Sea-town. Now … there’s no other place for me.
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March 30th, 2011 at 3:39 pm
I completely get this!
As an immigrant to Canada from Ireland I have very confused feelings about my sense of belonging. Sometimes it feels like I’ve landed where I am really arbitrarily. I have no family here, no partner and in many ways I feel like I’m still so Irish. But then I think about home and I know I couldn’t possibly go back.
And it’s not like my days are filled with confusion and angst, but I wonder about the long run and belonging and sometimes I feel stuck, because I don’t want to move somewhere that confuses me further. But then when I hear people who are so tied to one place and connect their whole identity with it, I think, I don’t want to sound like that either!
I think ‘home’ for me is much more nuclear than a city or country. It’s literally the space I occupy, my four walls and what I can impact in that space.
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. It sucks in many ways, but I also find this kind of reflection to be uplifting, even if it has sad parts. I hope it is for you too.
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March 30th, 2011 at 3:40 pm
Hi! Home…? I’ve moved 7 times in the past 6 years. Different cities each time. Last few moves include moving from Toronto to Vancouver then after a year to Squamish. In Ontario I’ve moved around quite a bit with my boyfriend. Include random travels to Europe and Mexico and I can proudly say I’ve never lived in the same place for more than a year in the past 7 years.
Home? It’s hard to describe home, but the cheesiest line does it for me. “Home is where the heart is.” When the three of us (we have a daughter) are together, I feel that’s where the true home is.
But that doesn’t take away the homesickness, the loneliness from having no friends at first and losing friends you just made.
I’m trying to define home as well.
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March 30th, 2011 at 3:45 pm
This is such a great post. You don’t sound sad (I saw your comment on Twitter) rather just introspective which we all are from time-to-time. I’m often back and forth on where I want to be … We’re in Chicago (away from family, who I miss) but I long for other places too. I love the bustle San Francisco and the peace of Maine. It’s weird because my husband is totally content. Maybe for some of us it’s never going to be the actual place, rather the people, community, friends, and day-to-day moments?
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March 30th, 2011 at 3:50 pm
I completely understand! I came to Paris from Tokyo 6 years ago, it’s only this past year that I really feel comfortable being here although I still miss my hometown so much (especially now with everything going on!). And I’ve just moved apartments after living in one for over 5 years, I’m once again very confused, even though I still live in the same city!
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March 30th, 2011 at 3:50 pm
I know what you mean (I think) – it’s a weird feeling, not necessarily sad or even bad, more of a disorienting, dislocated ache. And I don’t know what the answer is, but I suspect time is involved somehow – the moments when I have felt most ‘at home’ are more tied to specific times in my life than specific locations. It’s a rare feeling, to be aware of the rightness of your location in time and space. I don’t know if that feeling ever goes away entirely.
I think making a home is active – it takes time, effort and good luck to get those little rootlets growing that tie you to a place. And it’s hard work figuring out what you need to be comfortable. Being in a world where everything is new is exciting but exhausting. It’s silly, but I find cooking a favorite meal, wearing my favorite old sloppy sweater, re-watching a movie or re-reading a favorite book, or even a long phone call (I know, so archaic) with a friend all give me little fragments of hominess.
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March 30th, 2011 at 3:51 pm
Kate, I have been reading your blog for sometime now. As a native So Cal gal and resident of Los Angeles for over 6 years, I was excited when you moved here and yet also a little protective of when people move here and don’t love it. Then I remembered, how long it took me to feel comfortable here. Honestly, it almost took 5 years and sometimes doubt still creeps in. But I do love it here. If you ever need a new friend to show you around or grab coffee or wine with. I live not too far in Marina Del Rey and would be honored to help you transition here, even if you don’t stay. Good luck and keep your head up!
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March 30th, 2011 at 3:52 pm
Wow, this has really got me thinking. I’ve lived here forever, and sometimes I still don’t feel like it’s “home”. It’s where I know everything, and people who I love are near, but the thought always exists if there is somewhere else I’d better belong. Everyone always tells you “home is where you make it,” but I truly think there are certain places that resonate more with who you are and what brings you happiness. It’s an ongoing struggle I think, often helped by traveling. This is a lovely post, and just made my day much better hearing another tidbit of the Fleet Foxes album. Can’t wait for that.
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March 30th, 2011 at 3:57 pm
I feel so incredibly lucky to call two amazing cities home, Seattle and currently NYC, but it can be confusing and hard and frustrating. I often feel like I am missing so much by not being close to family and friends on the west coast and in the same breath I am thankful everyday that I get to live and work in and experience NYC during this stage of my life. I stream KEXP most days and when I am feeling bummed I think about how my mom is probably rocking out in her minivan listening to John in the Morning and I feel a little bit less sad.
I think the connections we make are what makes a place home. Whether that is with food or music or people or our environment, noticing all of those things and finding a place within it all is what gives me footing.
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March 30th, 2011 at 4:11 pm
i’ve lived in southern california my whole life and even though i always wanted to end up in l.a. it took me several months, even the first few years, to feel like this was “home”. i think one benefit to being in l.a. is there are so many different neighborhoods and unique sub-cities. so if you landed in the wrong one for you, there may be another better fit. i know new york has it’s boroughs and different neighborhoods, but it seems la’s are harder to discover and summarize the characteristics of, especially if you’re new to the city.
a lot of people say, home is where your family is. or home is where you make it. something like that… but in all honestly, the actual city is extremely important to me. if i had to move to say, the midwest, even with my husband, i wouldn’t feel like it was “home”. it would be the “place i had to move.”
we haven’t bought a house or started a family so i haven’t fully put down roots. but the way i most knew that “home” was here in l.a. for me was my last visit to my parents’ house (and the area i always thought i’d move back to) and it didn’t feel right. it wasn’t a trip “home” anymore. it was a trip to the place i grew up. that’s when it clicked for me. l.a. was now home.
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March 30th, 2011 at 4:11 pm
I’m so glad to read this! I’m moving from home for the first time in July and am terrified. I see so many people talking about how awesome it is to move, and I don’t doubt that, but it is nice to read about the downside too. I KNOW I will be homesick and now I will remember this and not feel so weird!
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March 30th, 2011 at 4:21 pm
What interesting thoughts, Kate. I understand this feeling completely–and sympathize–but I think this preoccupation with home is at heart a modern malaise, given our increasing tendency towards mobilization and consequently, rootlessness. It makes me wonder if this angst over home is something that our parents or grandparents experienced as acutely. As with any social crisis, though, all of this longing for home–or, as I like to call it, place–has spawned some really lovely essays, artwork, and commentary (including your own) about the subject, so perhaps the desire for home creates a strange sense of satisfaction of this ideal, in our imaginative revisions of the concept? In a world dominated increasingly by digital versions of reality, it seems appropriate that home–the most real, practical, physical concept–becomes immaterial as well.
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March 30th, 2011 at 4:32 pm
I very much understand how you feel, I really feel like I’m inbetween places right now and nothing feels quite right. There’s so many cons and pros, and things that just don’t make sense. Home is tricky, I don’t think that anything can really define it. Maybe just give it time. Something will…happen, or you’ll have a moment where you’ll just know. Could be soon, could be in the future, who knows. You didn’t move there all too long ago, I don’t think it’s been enough time to really settle in. I think time :)
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March 30th, 2011 at 4:40 pm
Funny I should read this post today of all days. I guess we’re never alone in how we feel. I’ve been feeling the way you do for the past 8 months – I moved from LA to Utah (Of all places). it’s been quite the rough transition and has gotten better but not entirely. To me, home is a place you make your own with things you love surrounding you and I haven’t been able to have that yet in our current place. It’s a subject of much friction here in our house because I’ve always customized my living space and my husband resists that everywhere we go because we’re never planning on being anywhere for too long. Point of the story is – this place had a chance to be home when we first moved and now that we lost our chance at purchasing our dream house, I can’t compromise by making our current house as I would have the other house even though my husband is trying to organize things and suggesting we buy furniture. Some places will just never be home.
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March 30th, 2011 at 4:43 pm
I’ve been living in Vancouver for over six months, am unsure about my future here, and am not even really sure what to say when people ask me where I’m from. I’ve got strong roots in a few different places now and I am grateful for all the experiences but I feeling where you’re coming from too. To make myself feel at home, I’m a pretty big advocate for hanging a lot of stuff on the walls :)
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March 30th, 2011 at 4:46 pm
I feel the same and I think many people do. I have moved 6 times within the last 4 years around Sydney (Australia), and every place just doesn’t feel right. I’ve come to believe that it is probably because I have been renting and it always feels like I am living in someone else’s home. I just don’t think you feel at home unless you own a home. But that’s not all, a sense of community/friendship is important too. This takes time to build but you will get there! It took me about 6 months to really feel like I fit in Sydney, since I came from a rural area where I knew everyone. And Sydney is not an easy place to make friends!Time will make everything easier and I’m sure you will develop great friendships which will give you that sense of community, making it feel more like a home. Best Wishes and keep your head up :-)
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March 30th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
Aw, this is such a timely post for me- my parents just announced they are moving south to join the rest of my family (all 3 of my siblings and nephews), 10 hours away. Of course I feel independent from my family in some ways, and feel like I could live anywhere with my husband. But I also feel like I’m creating a false sense of community here with people who are just substitutes for the “real thing” -the bond I have with my sisters and their families.
I guess, regardless of where I live, things that make me feel like I’m home are having people who inspire and challenge me, a faithful pet, someplace to sit outside, and a good thrift store. Hope you find peacefulness in your new(ish) home, Kate.
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March 30th, 2011 at 4:57 pm
Kate, I think there is always a sense of loss with a big move, same as with a breakup of a serious relationship. And of equally earth shattering magnitude. You have to almost grieve the things you love about an old city before you can really open up to feeling okay with something else.
For me, I think when I left my parent’s house I left behind the feeling of having a real home. Once you leave, you can’t go back, right? I’m not thinking I’ll get that again until my general terror about “making my way” eases up.
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March 30th, 2011 at 4:59 pm
I recently went on a business trip to India. While I consider myself well traveled, being a lone in a city/culture I had never experienced left me with an overwhelming desire to have that safe secure feeling of home back. I loved all of the new experiences, but missed things that were distinctly mine and me. When I got back I went and visited my parents in my hometown, oddly enough that too had a sense of no longer being mine. New experiences change how you feel about old places, but sometimes the mind takes a little while to reconcile everything.
I posted a mix dealing with the feelings of home. It helped: http://amandajoycebarry.com/?p=904
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March 30th, 2011 at 5:26 pm
I have lived on Long Island, NY for all of my years. Having my close friends, father, and extended family nearby is one of the things that makes me feel at home. My sister moved to San Francisco a few years ago and it was really hard for me, but now I feel that SF is my home away from home… I wish you much happiness in your “home”, Kate, wherever it may be in the end. You and William (and Wendy!) are a family unto yourselves and will find a way to make a home for yourselves, one you feel settled and happy in. xoxo
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March 30th, 2011 at 5:41 pm
It does take a while to really feel at home anywhere. Give it time and it will come, whether in Southern California or elsewhere. I’m partial to the area so I’d love to believe everyone feels at home here! L.A. is very very very big, so there’s a lot to see and things to do and a place for everyone. :)
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March 30th, 2011 at 5:53 pm
I grew up as an ‘army brat’ in Norway, moving from place to place every year or so. I always heard that you have to live in a place for 5 years before it truly feels like home, well, I never did. To me that feeling you’re describing, that ‘home is where we are’ has definitely been true for me my entire life.
It used to be with my family. Road trips and endless summers on the road, traveling to see grandparents and friends in places we’d long left. Many times I felt that the entire country of Norway was my home. When I moved on from underneath my parents’ wings, I’d continue the trend of shuffling about from place to place, sort of rootless.
Then 5 years ago I met someone that made me believe that my ‘home’ was not in Norway at all. Long story short, I eventually decided to move across the Atlantic. I packed up what little earthly possessions I had (two suitcases and a bag to be exact), got on a plane and moved to Canada. Here I am, nearly 4 years later, and I guess I’m finally nearing in on that magic 5 year mark that I never really thought I’d ever see…
It’s not always easy. Still. I go through periods of ‘mourning’ the distance to the things and the people I hold very dear. I don’t think that will ever stop, and in a way that’s nice to have that connection. However, I have come to appreciate the fact that I have found my home, in the unlikeliest of places (if you’d asked me prior to this chance encounter 5 years ago), and although it comes with a great sacrifice (I missed my best friend having not only her first baby, but also her second), it has brought me so much joy (and the man of my dreams), it has opened me to so many things, and taught me that you can find your home anywhere, as long as you think it’s worth a chance.
Good luck!
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March 30th, 2011 at 6:11 pm
I like this conversation! Good comments for sure. I think there are several different parts to the idea of home- the city you live in, the house you live in, and the people that you are connected to. I definitely feel like Portland is my home, I’ve been here for a few years now and I can’t see myself wanting to leave. The house, that’s more complicated, cause we’re renters… I feel comfortable in this house and I like it ok, but I think I’ve been lazy about turning it into a true home (making aesthetic changes, putting time into decorating, re-painting, etc), thinking that it won’t last and we’ll leave, so it’s not worth the effort, but I’m ready to do that stuff because I know I’ll enjoy the results.
The connections that I have with people here don’t feel as much like home as I hope they do someday. I left a city where my friends were people that I had known for over a decade, and my family was fairly close by, but now both of those are far away. That kind of thing takes years and years to recapture, but hopefully remaining in the same city will make that possible, as long as the people that I know also decide to stick around! I have very little interest in going back to where I grew up, or the cities I used to live in. Portland is it.. all my friends should move here, haha. But really, the one person I need the most is married to me, so as long as we’re chillin’ together the rest of it feels pretty ok. CORNY BUT TRUE
Home is where the vibes are the best
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March 30th, 2011 at 6:17 pm
Chiming in with the chorus of people who understand this feeling! I grew up in Vancouver, moved to Saskatoon, then to Victoria, and now I’m in Toronto. All those moves happened in the last 7.5 years and I’m struggling with the concept of “home.” Is it where my family is? My nearest and dearest friends? I’m trying to figure it out. It’s lovely that I share my home with my lovely partner but we’re both trying to feel at home in our new city. I always make a point of making my physical home as homey as possible but I’ve learned finding a community can take a lot longer. But I’m starting to recognize people on the street, find my local favourite spots, and the guy who owns the cafe down the street knows my name, so it’s getting better.
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March 30th, 2011 at 6:27 pm
I don’t know where my home will be, but usually when I find my perfect hole in the wall doughnut place, diner, and favorite spots it makes me feel settled. I know I will have a few more moves in my life, but I work hard to make my physical home feel like the only place I want to be, and it comforts me.
I’m always a big fan of your music pics, thanks!
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March 30th, 2011 at 6:36 pm
Hey Kate,
I emailed you back when you posted about moving from NY to CA. I moved from NY to TN back in 2003 & just relayed my story, how hard it was, etc. Like you, I willingly left NY & kind of immediately regretted it. It took me a good 6 months to really settle into TN.
Go easy on yourself. There’s no timeline on this. I’ve been here 7-ish years now & I wouldn’t change a thing, but it took awhile. You’ll get there, & if not, you can move again. You’ve got years & years to figure this out. Hang in there!
XOXO,
Kim
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March 30th, 2011 at 6:42 pm
my best guess is that ‘home’ harkens more to a place in history, than to an actual, physical space (though it’s often comprised of one). to a time in life, perhaps, that was filled with unadulterated security and happiness and love. throughout my adult life, through many moves, i have been searching for the home of my childhood and youth. and though i have loved my houses, i still have yet to recapture that same feeling.
i am about to embark on a move across the country, to a place i have never been, from a place i have lived always. we’ll have to see….
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March 30th, 2011 at 7:32 pm
Funny to read your post today. After looking at your weekend post I had a thought, “I wonder how Kate’s feeling about the move?” And then you answer me here.
We live in Seattle but my husband and I met in New York and both have a burning desire to move back there. It’s a place we both felt like was home but have felt too tethered to family to go back there. Sometimes I feel like we need to take the leap while we are young(ish). But then I see your sun-drenched photos and think Southern California?
Thanks for sharing and reading my mind. ;)
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March 30th, 2011 at 7:57 pm
I think you’ve got it right–home is not a physical, it’s a feeling you get when you’re in a moment, feeling completely safe and completely vulnerable and completely, well, complete. I feel the same way–homesick, even though I’m not quite sure where home is exactly–at times too. But I cling to the moment with the wine and the husband and our little family and the favorite songs and delicious homemade meals–these are the moments that are at the end of the day, home.
p.s. I’ve been a reader for a while now and love your blog. Thanks for the inspiration!
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March 30th, 2011 at 8:03 pm
As someone who spent my childhood moving around every few years, I can totally relate to this post…For me, home is definitely in my community. I think that is what makes transitioning to a new city so difficult – it takes time to really build up a network of good friends – in my experience, it can be up to a year before I really feel settled.
We’re thinking seriously about a move to the west coast (Seattle/Portland) and I’m a little nervous that we’re going to get out there and I’m going to hate it…I just have to remind my older self what my younger self knew pretty well – feeling at home really does take time. Hopefully you will come to love LA wholeheartedly soon, and if not, maybe I’ll see you in Seattle someday! :)
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March 30th, 2011 at 8:37 pm
i’ve been feeling much the same way lately. it’s a teeny voice at the back and whispers that this place really isn’t for me. not that i’m walking around unhappy. but sometimes. i feel i move so often that i get almost embarrassed about it. i’m told i’m “rootless” and a “wanderer”… but maybe that’s ok. maybe it’s okay to try on different cities to see how they fit. maybe i’ll (and you’ll) find one that’s just right. maybe i need to make a list too.
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March 30th, 2011 at 8:57 pm
Oh, I know exactly what you mean about home. Having just moved from Boston to San Francisco at the beginning of the year, home is a strange concept. I also moved around as a kid, so I don’t even particularly identify with my childhood home. Even though I love San Francisco, and see myself living here for a while, I don’t feel like I have roots yet. I’m getting more entrenched day by day, but I know exactly what you mean about the feeling of homelessness. It’s strange, no?
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March 30th, 2011 at 9:04 pm
Thank you, thank you for this. I am at a place in my life right now where I am struggling to feel “at home” or even really know where that home is, or who lives there. I want to feel settled and be able to call Boston my home, but at the same time, I have this nagging feeling that there are a million more cities that need exploring and I’m nervous to really make roots anywhere. Because what if the place I plant myself rejects me?
I’ve come to realize that home is the people who love us, and though they may not be physically near, no one is more than a phone call, an email or even a snail mail, away.
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March 30th, 2011 at 9:06 pm
When I moved to Los Angeles 7 years ago with no plans to go to college (with the hopes of becoming a writer), I felt completely alone. I didn’t know a single person. I questioned my motives for moving to LA, I questioned my ability to be a responsible adult, and I felt like I would never find my place or feel at home.
Eventually, I started going to concerts/art shows/restaurants alone and just talking to people. I had never actually TALKED to strangers before…it was totally weird/awkward but it also completely changed my life. I met SO many amazing people, made amazing friends, made mistakes, grew up, made connections, made roots and created a life for myself out of nothing.
Those roots and connections that took years to grow, are only just now starting to flourish. I am grateful for those roots because I know that one day they will grow into what I hope to consider my non-literal “home.” I guess that’s what I think of when I think of “home.”
Some people think that relationships are transient- but when I think of “home” I can’t help but think of even the tiniest connections I’ve had with people, and how even a small insignificant encounter can make me feel completely at home.
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March 30th, 2011 at 9:42 pm
Best post yet! I think about home like this every day.. for years really. Dang nostalgia.
Having just moved to LA as well, and having left NYC a few years ago.. I say, let’s give it a year and check back! I still think it takes two years to belong somewhere. Also.. driving with the windows down helps sometimes too ^_^
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March 30th, 2011 at 9:46 pm
“Home is wherever I’m with you,” right? No matter where I am, it’s the people I miss most. I’m sure I’ll be able to adapt better in new places when I’m older, but at 22, I’m kind of a baby about it…haha.
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March 30th, 2011 at 9:54 pm
There’s a word in Portuguese for what you are, I think, feeling: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saudade
It describes a state of profound nostalgia, and in my interpretation of it, it’s a melancholy state, but it’s also one of acceptance, i.e. “I’m feeling this, and it sucks, but I’m just going to feel what I feel because that’s part of being a human being who feels emotion, and the thing that I long for the most is gone/will never exist/has yet to arrive.” I am a BIG FAN of letting yourself feel whatever you need to feel (unless what you’re feeling is entitled or hyper complain-y or something else annoying, hahaha).
For me, home isn’t necessarily tied to a physical place. I was born in Toronto, and I never left, but that’s only because I never felt the need to leave. I don’t think I have to feel regret about that. I’ve traveled to other places and no other place has felt as much like home to me. But I’ve also been split, in some ways, because I have no family here — all my family is in South America or in Europe. Anyway. Home for me is somewhere within a five foot radius of my dude. Anja is so right about those vibes.
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March 30th, 2011 at 10:18 pm
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! Like many others, I can relate to your feelings, as I moved from Seattle to LA at the beginning of the year. I’m actually closer to family now, but there is so much I miss about Seattle (including friends and the wonderful city itself). I’m enjoying exploring LA, but don’t feel like I’m “at home”– definitely still a visitor. And when it starts to get way too hot here, and Seattleites are experiencing a perfectly gorgeous summer, I’ll start mourning.
I think that “feeling at home” has a great deal to do with the people around you… but I also think it has a lot to do with your actual location. I miss having all of my favorite food spots nearby, knowing the fastest way to get places, and feeling like a part of the city. But that’s the kind of stuff that comes with time, right?
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March 30th, 2011 at 10:33 pm
it took me a full year to be home in san francisco. before that i was crawling up the walls to return home, to feel comfortable again. i still have days like that here, where everything feel so different than what i know and i feel frustrated and comfort myself w/ “home.” but you’re right – home is more of a person and state of mind, and that’s the thing to hang on to.
home after childhood and adolescence is an odd slippery state, maybe always. hang in there.
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March 30th, 2011 at 10:34 pm
Oh, girl, I feel you. My sister and I started to call that strange “do I belong here, or here, or where my parents are, or maybe over here?” feeling the “Stop This Train” feeling after a (I know, I know, make fun all you wish) John Mayer song of the same name. I think it’s the central struggle/theme of our twenties for most people. It’s the time in our lives we have to make the decision of where to plant our roots, unhindered by kids or (for the most part) job responsibilities, and for those of us for whom there’s not an immediate answer, there’s a lot of confusion and longing that goes with it.
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March 30th, 2011 at 10:58 pm
i have lived in the same town my entire life, so have a distinct feeling of what ‘home’ is to me. i go away for the weekend to visit my friends in the city pretty often, but whenever i drive back towards home and see the mountains, vineyards etc my body instinctively relaxes (almost as if it is sighing with relief.)
i did live overseas for a little while, and never felt homesick because i was with two of my favourite people in the world. so i think that is important, and obviously your guy is that person to you… how does he feel about the move?
i think one day you’re just going to be going about your usual routine and suddenly you’ll feel like yeah… this feels right now. especially if you make connections with new people.
also maybe the fact that you’re only going to be in the venice apartment for a while (?) has an influence on how you’re feeling – perhaps you need to find your own place that’s really yours to feel settled?
ps: i liked this post & i love that fleet foxes video.
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March 30th, 2011 at 11:10 pm
Funny. I look at the first photo of NY and I think “home”. I look at that 2nd picture of Seattle and I get “homesick”. I look at that 3rd picture of Venice and I think of a place that I am always curious about, but ultimately know that I could never live there – but there’s a familiarity about it since I have family who do. NY is definitely “home”. I’m grew up here and live here and have an amazing community here and have chosen to raise my family here. There is something about this crazy place that motivates me to keep going and reach higher. This is why I moved back. I know I belong here. Still, I think it’s completely normal to wonder and be curious about other places and to even question where you are right now.
I always find it so curious that I get homesick for Seattle and consider it another “home” even though I have never lived there (lived close enough, but not in the city). I also am baffled as to why I don’t get that feeling AT ALL about Portland, even though I *have* lived there. What is this about? What makes a place home and not others? The city itself is important. I know this for sure, as is the people and the community, but maybe it’s not so much about the physical place as it is a state of mind. It’s probably also nostalgia, and maybe I’m pining for a little piece of the past, a part of my life that is no longer my life that I am mourning. All I know, is that I feel it in my gut. It’s often abstract. I look at the top 2 photos and there is an immediate pull. I *feel* something. My heart is moved. This is all that I need to know that it’s home.
I think it’s both great and brave that you moved to LA. Maybe you won’t end up staying forever, but give it time. It definitely takes time. Hang in there Kate.
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March 31st, 2011 at 1:49 am
Since I was born, I’ve lived in 6 different countries, 24 different homes and speak 4 languages. I grew-up in Switzerland although I am not Swiss, so when I left Switzerland, I felt homesick for my cheese, my mountains, my lifestyle but that soon faded. It then became about wherever my cat was, was where I felt at home (had the same cat for 19yrs) but 5yrs ago, we had to put her down. 2yrs ago I moved to Italy and for the first time since Switzerland, I felt at home. Now, I just met the most amazing man… in Seattle… and Italy doesn’t feel like home anymore…
All this to say, I get you! Home is not necessarily linked to a place but a feeling, a balance of sorts.
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March 31st, 2011 at 2:20 am
I’ve been dealing with the same kind of thoughts – I’m about to move from London to LA, putting several thousand miles between myself and my family, and I know already that the level of homesickness is going to be horrible at times.
But on the other hand, I only see my parents once every few months anyway, and I’m sick of London – it doesn’t feel so much like home in the wake of a relationship break-up.
I’m starting to think that with a city the size of LA, the area I choose to live in will make a huge difference – I want somewhere artsy, a little bit individual and quirky, but safe and central. Basically I want London with better weather and no ex-boyfriend – is that even semi-possible?
I know you’ve been thinking about leaving Venice – any thoughts on other cool areas to live?
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March 31st, 2011 at 2:48 am
i don’t normally comment on a post that has so many responses already. but i totally get it and i know exactly how you feel. and i feel equally confused and displaced more than i’d like to admit. especially right now. i have no idea what i am doing, but i know i came here for some reason. and hopefully we’ll all figure it out eventually.
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March 31st, 2011 at 4:17 am
I know how you feel. Having lived in three different countries, I’m never sure of home myself. I’ve changed so much while moving from country to country, while I was living in country A, I was person A.. and when I was living in country B, I was person B.. and so on. So I guess, Australia is home for me now, because although I still miss other countries where I used to live, the thought of going there and live the same life I used to live is somewhat unbearable, because I’ve changed a lot since then.
xo
http://sourcherryandcurlchocolate.blogspot.com/
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March 31st, 2011 at 6:41 am
Very interesting post.
I have been struggling with this very subject myself.
I had a lot of change over the last 7 years that would make most peoples head spin. I lost both my Mom to a stroke and then my Dad in January 2010, I had to sell the family home and a summer home when my father was too sick to do it himself. Dismantling every memory, every sentimental object. All gone and done by my hand.
It is strange even as a (so called) adult to no longer have what I would call a home base. I live with the most wonderful man you could imagine, which I am so very thankful for, but we live in a apartment in Williamsburg, and suddenly, I feel the feeling of it not really being our own. To know that if the building were to be sold, we would be displaced very easily. Not settling.
I have often wondered when it is you feel that feeling. That feeling of having roots that reach deep into the ground, that feeling of permanence. Maybe it is time, maybe it is coming to terms with we really are home wherever we are. Not sure. But, I do relate for sure!
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March 31st, 2011 at 6:45 am
I think anyone who has moved (particularly if they’ve moved alone) to a new city, away from family and friends will relate perfectly to your post! I moved to New York alone right after I graduated from college, and it probably took a year before I felt comfortable with everything. I tell anyone moving to a new city to always accept invitations and continuously put yourself out there, you never know what will happen or who you’ll meet when you’re out!
Good luck!
Diana
@DianaChristina7
ilovebrunchandboots.org
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March 31st, 2011 at 7:12 am
Ah, Anabela, you’re spot on with “saudade.” Reminds me of one of my favorite songs–even though I can’t understand the words, I know exactly what she’s talking about:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_7BV-IuyKI
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March 31st, 2011 at 7:47 am
I am actually in the middle of a huge decision- a great job opportunity in Portland, but I absolutely no one out there. I lived in DC/MD my whole life (except for a short stint in China)and wrestling with the idea of making the West coast my home is daunting. I love it here- family and friends make it so comfortable. And I know every bar, every restaurant, everything is so familiar. The idea of just starting over somewhere else is so exciting, but absolutely terrifying at the same time. Its been really interesting to read the comments as I think about uprooting.
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March 31st, 2011 at 8:49 am
You’ve obviously struck a chord with all of us. I think that this is a feeling that we can all relate to. I moved from Michigan to Tennessee as a kid, and it took me years to find where I fit in my new place. Then I left Tn to return to Michigan for college. It wasn’t until I left Tn that I realized that it had become the place I thought of as “home.” Now I’m back in Nashville, but all of my family is still in Michigan. It’s an odd feeling, because my feelings of “home” were so tied to relationships and family for a long time. And then it became also about my personal identity. Like you, I can’t imagine ever going back to stay in my hometown. Maybe this feeling is just a byproduct of the world we live in, one where a lot of us no longer spend our entire lives in one locale. Fascinating, exciting, and yet dislocated. I think sometimes that the feeling of home is walking into a place and seeing familiar, loving faces. That is most often what makes me feel at home, whether it’s my grandparents’ living room, or my local drinking hole, or my sometime-boyfriend’s mother’s breakfast table. I think that there’s a spectrum of where you feel comfortable physically and where you feel tied emotionally through relationships and history. Great post. Thanks for sharing.
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March 31st, 2011 at 8:57 am
A couple of months ago I was babysitting for one of my professors and it was about midnight when I called my then-boyfriend in tears because I realized I hadn’t taken a bath (plenty of showers, but no baths) in four years. I would never bathe in a dorm bathtub and my apartment bathtub just didnt feel clean enough even after bleaching and I just cried and cried because I felt like it would be another four or more years before I landed somewhere where I felt comfortable enough to bathe.
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March 31st, 2011 at 8:58 am
Yes! I have a similar feeling after some years in LA, now in SF, and originally from Boston. Thinking about it always leads me back to this line from Garden State: “It’s like you get homesick for a place that doesn’t exist.” For me, it’s like longing for the sense of comfort from each of the places that were once home…
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March 31st, 2011 at 9:32 am
Home is northern California, where I grew up, and where my family still lives, and where the landscape feels right and familiar. But it is also Boston, where I lived for 7 years during graduate school. And somehow Portland, where I’ve never lived, but where my husband grew up and where our best friends live (Eugene, where I lived for 6 years, doesn’t feel like home at all anymore). And now Santa Barbara, where I live, where my son was born, where my cats and my belongings are, even though I don’t feel I belong here at all. I get pangs for all these places, and I don’t think they’ll ever go away.
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March 31st, 2011 at 10:35 am
Whoa, 56 comments? Are you even going to read this? ;) Hehe. I’ll proceed anyway. It took me quite awhile to feel at home when we moved to Portland. I am sort of slow to make friends, and play my cards pretty close so it took me much longer than say, my husband (who could make friends with pretty much anyone) to feel like I had a little crew. Then all of a sudden, returning to PDX after a week away, it suddenly felt like home. Or maybe it wasn’t so sudden, but it happened, and it felt really nice and comfortable and now here we are…home.
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March 31st, 2011 at 10:39 am
Hi Kate! I love your blog…your point of view makes me smile. If I remember correctly I first saw you on the Today Show?? Kinda strange considering I NEVER watch the show. Anywho! :)
I think I can relate to the feeling of disconnection. I came to SF from Austin in Dec 2009 for a weekend jaunt and immmediately fell in love. I moved back here on NYE 2009 and have been here ever since. I love this place. The smells, the people, the views, the culture, the international draw, the idea that anyplace in the city is a short walk or busride away. Ive even grown accustomed to the not so pretty parts; the trashdiggers, urination and defacation on sidewalks, (cold weather) and the too many people that live in homelessness. The transition has never been easy though. I didnt come here and meet a ton of new friends, find an awesome job or even a good place to live for 9 mos. And 2010 was completely trial and ERROR. Yet, Ive decided to stay here. I cant imagine going back to where Ive come from although Im miles and miles away from anybody relatives. (Thank you, Fb) I feel at home among all these strangers! I dont know what the future will bring, and I get homesick and think “wtf, what if, ho%yF*K, etc…etc.” but not much or for too long, beacause I dont wanna miss anything beautiful right in front of me. :-D
All the best!!
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March 31st, 2011 at 10:41 am
Same here ! but between 2 countries !! France and Sweden.
When i’m in Sweden i miss France, and i wish people where more alive here in Scandinavia, but when i’m in France, i find people rude and too much to handle, and i miss the peacefull and sober ambiance of Sweden. I guess it’s our generation, we have the luxury to be able to chose ! and choice is stress sometimes.
I created a Polaroid project about home when i felt the most homesick, and it helped me a lot !
i felt like a citizen of the world :)
it’s called http://ahomeforalice.blogspot.com/
good luck to you ! the place you live in right now is heaven to me !
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March 31st, 2011 at 11:26 am
sounds like you could use a little of this http://vimeo.com/11691174
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March 31st, 2011 at 11:32 am
Such a good post! I totally feel you here. I am from Los Angeles and I live in Arizona and this place has just never felt like home. I love being around my family and that is why I stick it out, but even when I go back to LA I am not sure that is the place I want to be. maybe i need to take a world tour and try everywhere out for a few days, you are welcome to join me :)
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March 31st, 2011 at 11:56 am
Seattle has really felt “right” for me since I moved here in 2001. However, I was in SoCal for 2 years and although I never really adjusted to the heat and all that sun, what made Santa Barbara feel like home were the awesome friends I had, putting in a garden (the older I get, the more invested I am in each of my rental homes’ gardens), and time. For one thing, I learned the rhythms of a new place – and when things become familiar in that way, you begin to correlate your own life to the place.
Also, I paint, and I knew eventually I would learn to relate the very different palette of the landscape, and waited patiently for it to begin to appear in my paintings. Eventually, it did: bright red-oranges and blue-greens took over. And I think that’s when I really started to feel rooted. Does your work express your relationship to your location?
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March 31st, 2011 at 12:24 pm
Thank you so much for this post and this video – I’ve been having similar thoughts lately, and I don’t know why but this video felt mildly therapeutic :)
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March 31st, 2011 at 2:32 pm
My humble take on this subject (I think about this a lot too): To me, once you start moving around and enough times to have lived in several cities, you can never really have a home. You end up missing different pieces of different places and your ideal city can really only exist in your mind.
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March 31st, 2011 at 2:55 pm
Try living in Tel Aviv, Israel for 3 years and never finding yourself fitting in one bit… Um anyway, my boy and I are constantly confused about where home is (moving around from country to city to abroad and back to the city) so we too subscribe to the phrase ‘home is where you are’ to one another. But you’re right, there are times when that phrase just doesn’t work.
You’re still super new to LA it seems. I’d give it at least another year or 2 even, to figure out where home might be. But I’m sure you know that already.
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March 31st, 2011 at 2:58 pm
I’ve been feeling the same thing recently and have lived in LA the last two years but am nearing a decision point where I could stay or go. The things I loved about LA are totally different from the things I loved about DC – and are also things I never really knew I valued in a city. Now I’m getting a little heartbroken at the thought of leaving even though I’ve never gotten that gut feeling that I *am* LA in the way I did in previous cities. LA has an illusive charm that I can’t really put my finger on. And making this decision would be much easier if I could.
Good luck finding your way.
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March 31st, 2011 at 3:58 pm
i just had a conversation similar to this subject lastnight with my boyfriend/roomie. he said when we have a baby our families are going to be fighting to see the baby. that we should move to chicago for some time. i love chicago, but i can’t see myself living there. i am a california girl through and through. i can do NY for some reason (i have family and childhood memories there), i want to try spain for sure (again i have fam there and great memories and well, the excellent weather!). but something about chicago, although i have visited and enjoyed myself, i just don’t view it as “home”. which makes me think, what defines a “home” for me? well i gotta have a variety of cultures, an art scene, cityscape and wildscape – all of which chi-town has. but it is still missing two things for me. an ocean and my family, even just having one family member would be nice. i never knew how important that was to me till he said that lastnight and i kind of wanted to barf. lady like, huh?! i am so confused.
i like what evencleveland said about a home needs to be an “active” thing. you need to work at it. and i should have an open mind and think like that. but i don’t know if i can handle that yucky stomach feeling. i got it really bad just thinking about it lastnight!
i always imagined that the perfect way of life was to buy a gorgeous home in LA with land to plant and plant in and sublet the house while i travel and experience the world. that way i always know where my roots are, in my beloved california.
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March 31st, 2011 at 4:04 pm
Wow. Thanks to you for writing this, but also to everyone who commented for their insights. I am waking up in the middle of the night struggling with the impending move we have on the horizon. I worry about feeling at home. When we moved up here (Northern Ontario) from Toronto 8 years ago, I would have never thought that we could stick it out a year let alone this long. But we did. We met people, we took advantage of the community, and now it feels like home. But change is the only constant in life, and it’s also the source of our greatest experiences… so on we move, back to Toronto, this time with a young child. It’s so reassuring to read about everyone’s struggles with this idea of home and how to build it, how to achieve it. I love how one commenter (can’t find it again!) said that home is an active process. I totally agree. Creating home takes work. It means going out of your way and making friends, building non-blood family. It means nesting and making a spot for yourself in the new place.
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March 31st, 2011 at 5:07 pm
I still remember that first moment when I stepped off the plane in Toronto and knew I was home. I remember it, because it wasn’t that long ago and because it took a lot to get to that moment. In between moving to Toronto and that moment I had moved out of my parents house, ended a three year relationship, finished a year of my masters program, cried A LOT and explored as much of the city as I could on my one day off a week. It took much longer than I thought to feel at home.
I’m a little nervous that I have no idea where my career will take me after I finish up my masters (in a week!). I don’t really want to leave this city that’s been so good to me, but moving once has given me the confidence to do it again.
I hope you find your sense of home. It’s been amazing reading all the comments and understanding that so many people have felt the same feeling of displacement. Even better learning how they all dealt with it. I can’t put my finger on what exactly made Toronto feel like home, but I know that it took time.
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March 31st, 2011 at 5:29 pm
I love this post! Everyone had such wonderful responses. Over the past 10 years, I’ve moved 5 times and each place was completely different then the next. I never know if where I’m at is the right place and know how you feel… a little lost. I’m probably the last person to give advise on this, but I hope that someday I will be in a place with friends I love, a home and neighborhood I’m comfortable in, where I can relax, in a city that is exciting, but not suffocating. Maybe it just takes time in one location to find these things. Maybe that’s why the only place that has always felt like home is the one I grew up in. So, with a little time, and Will and Wendy at your side, you’re on your way!
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March 31st, 2011 at 5:39 pm
i’m with you. i think home is wherever my husband and pup are. and my bed…. it’s not home unless i’m sleeping in MY bed.
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March 31st, 2011 at 6:58 pm
I spent my young and mid 20′s in Washington, DC, feeling like DC itself just wasn’t for me. I felt like I was just an outsider trying to “make it work” in the city.
Now married, my husband and I live very close to our families (not in DC), and more than ever, I feel at home. There are things about the town I live in that are not as “cool” as DC or NYC or Boston (where my husband lived during his young and mid 20′s). But it doesn’t matter to us anymore. I really honestly think it has to do with family and a sense of community. We make it work where we are…but have a network of friends and family and familiar faces. We went to Paris this past September and the weirdest thing happened where I was actually a little homesick by the end of the trip and frustrated that we were not going to be back in time for a get-together at our friends’ house!! Crazy! We were in PARIS and I was missing home. That was the moment where I realized that being near family and friends was actually more fulfilling to me than being somewhere aesthetically fulfilling, chic or hip or whatever it was that I was complaining all the time about not having where we live now.
I’m not sure if any of this resonates, but I am sure you will figure it out and find your place. It is so wonderful that you have your boyfriend and that you two are in this adventure together!!
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April 1st, 2011 at 10:28 am
I have also recently relocated so I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Being able to call a place home for me is a place where I feel part of the community. Getting to know the people who live around me is always such a comfort. Even if the majority of our interactions are just friendly hellos, it still makes me feel more alive! It’s important for me to live in a place where I have the option of walking or biking. Whether it’s to run little errands such as a quick trip to the grocery store or just to browse around a public library, it’s something I’ve learned that I need. Good luck with your adjustment! You seem to live in a beautiful place!
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April 1st, 2011 at 1:45 pm
If this hasn’t already been suggested to you, I think you could find more musical solace in the band the Head and the Heart. They are from Seattle, and many of their songs are about the concept of home. And they’re absolutely amazing.
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April 1st, 2011 at 4:32 pm
I moved from my home town of Canberra, Australia to Melbourne around about two weeks after you moved to LA. It’s amazing how similar our circumstances have been. My move has felt very odd, partly because it was for work, so even though I have always really wanted to move here I didn’t quite feel like I ‘owned’ the process (I didn’t even pay for it!). I was super lucky to have my wonderful boyfriend move with me too, which certainly helped with the ‘feeling at home’ thing (similarly to you, when at home I feel at home, but when wandering around the streets alone, I still feel a little lost). But that’s also been tough, because it’s taken him two months to start working, so I’ve felt quite guilty about dragging him away. He also takes regular trips back to Canberra to play with his band so I’m a lone a lot, like right now!
When I first moved here, it felt like I was on a business trip for the first three weeks, but gradually it’s started to feel more permenant. Anyway, things I’ve been doing to cultivate home include cooking at home as much as possible, which always centres me, and going to the farmers markets a lot (it’s amazing the sense of community at those places, and I’m slowly building a relationship with some of the sellers), and keeping a nice, clean house, and visiting the mountains out of the city as often as possible. I really need to make friends, so I’m joining a pottery class, and possibly a food co-op.
Anyway, I took a trip back to Canberra the other week, and it was a strange experience. I felt like that wasn’t quite home anymore, that so much has happened and I’ve grown so much since moving here that I’d kind of grown out of Canberra. But like you, I definately still don’t feel like I belong in Melbourne. I imagine it’s a very long process of adjustments. That’s all.
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April 1st, 2011 at 6:58 pm
hi. i know i’m late on this post + all but wanted to share something about la with you. for a lot of people, this never feels like home no matter what. its quite a tough place + there are SO many people coming + going. people that grew up here are quite rare + everyone is from somewhere else. this adds to the spirit of the city but also can make you (or me) feel like the fit is strange. i’ve been here 13 years (meant to only stay for a few months…) and i still have trouble feeling at home in my own city. you are not alone feeling out of place here. that sort of feeling visits me quite often. this is one strange + amazing city. you will love it at times + you will hate it at times. but somehow, it all evens out.
have a great weekend.
xxoogg
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April 1st, 2011 at 7:52 pm
i moved to australia from germany with my family 11 years ago and last year i ventured back to europe for a longer time than i had before to find out where my home really is. i just got unbelievably torn between the two places until i visited scandinavia, especially norway and now want to move there. weird, huh? i wish i had some sort of wisdom to pass on to say this-is-how-you’re-meant-to-be-feeling-and-it’ll-be-home but, i think at the end of the day, it’s about being able to go about your day in a way that makes you happy, have surroundings that randomly surprise you with their natural beauty and have people around you that love you and want to eat good food with you and inspire you. that last one makes such a difference to anywhere you are.
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April 1st, 2011 at 8:22 pm
Ah, what a provocative post–I can certainly empathize. How complex “home” can feel…
Funnily enough, I very recently stumbled upon an interview w/ a lovely poet, Robert Kelly: http://home.earthlink.net/~robert.kelly/robertkelly/id10.html. Here’s an excerpt–
“When I lived in Brooklyn … I wanted to be anyplace else. I felt that being born in Brooklyn especially (I lived in a neighborhood where English was hardly spoken), being born in America at all, was being born in exile.”
And, farther in–
“I was trying to find my place to stand, my word to speak. I say I’m ashamed now of having been not just an anglo-phile but an allo-phile, in love with everywhere but here. But I’m not ashamed of what that silly boyhood infatuation with Rome and Westminster was a temporary mark of, a sense of being in exile, a sense that has never left me, a sense that has been often appeased if not cured by the intense here-ness of love, and the lucid nowhere of meditation.”
All the best to you. (Love your sweet blog, btw.)
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April 1st, 2011 at 8:59 pm
Having just recently moved to LA from NYC 6 months ago, i can really empathize with what you’re experiencing. I go through waves of comfort, panic, loneliness, excitement, etc, on a weekly basis. There are times when I feel free to reinvent my self and explore and others where I long for the comfort of my hometown, my family and friends. While it is true that home is where you make it, and my husband and son truly are my “home”, I still feel caught between two worlds – neither feeling quite like home right now.
I do believe that it takes time, lots of time, and being open to new experiences and not falling on comparisons. We have the choice to wake up each day and make it what we want it to be. I have to remind myself of this when I feel down. I also found visiting NY helped a lot as well, reminded me that I have not left the planet!
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April 2nd, 2011 at 4:08 pm
geez… how does one even begin to answer such a loaded question? it took almost a year before i felt like oakland was home. it kind of hit me out of nowhere too. joe and i both come from places where we never felt like we belonged (LA and new hampshire). we had always loved visiting this area, so we figured we should give it a shot. if worse came to worse, we could always move somewhere else. if you really think about it, you ALWAYS have that option. we were lucky, because life has been great here. i think the one thing that finally made it feel like home was that i realized how comfortable i am in my skin now. for the first time in my life, i really feel like MYSELF. i’m not trying to prove anything or adjust the person i am for other people. i just go about my life, at my pace, the way i want, and i REALLY enjoy it. we’re happy, genuinely happy, here and it feels amazing. i haven’t settled into the perfect career yet, and besides the two friends i already had up here, i’ve only made a couple more, but none of that stuff bothers me. i don’t know… for me, when you’re HOME, every aspect of your life is rad.
hang in there, you’ll feel it too. even if you one day realize it’s not in LA, you’ll eventually find the home that’s right for you.
xoxoxox
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April 4th, 2011 at 6:38 am
buy some local food from the area and sit in the sunshine with some new music playing. if you can find james blake’s cover of joni mitchell’s a case of you i think and hope you’ll begin to love and ‘feel right’ in your new space.
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April 4th, 2011 at 7:53 am
I know I’m a little bit late, but I relate to this way too much. I actually just did the opposite – I moved from Los Angeles to New York – and even though it was a life-long dream of mine to move here, I’m still feeling really disconnected from the city. But like you said, even though I miss LA, I don’t want to move back there. When I try to think about what home would mean for me, I think that maybe it would mean finally having my own apartment (I’m living with some family members right now), but I don’t think that’s quite right…I think all I need for a sense of home is the feeling that I actually belong here. I’m not there yet, but I hope it comes along soon.
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April 6th, 2011 at 7:32 pm
I’m late on catching this post, but I’m right there with you, sister. Home is a funny thing. Hang in there and stay as close to Will as you can in the mean time. ;)
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April 11th, 2011 at 8:02 am
I’m not sure I have any answers. But I know what you mean. Ashley and I are always talking about where we should try to build the rest of our lives. Northern California, Southern California, or New York.
The only thing that makes it easier is when we remind ourselves that while we have to choose, it is choosing between several great options.
Aron
http://www.hitherandthither.net
http://www.babymine.net
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April 13th, 2011 at 2:55 am
oh Kate! I’m feeling the exact same way as you right now…
To me home is:
The person you love and end each day with (with a kiss good night)
The place you can do what you love to do
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February 15th, 2012 at 1:25 pm
this response is so late it’s not even funny.
i relate to this post, so, so much, even more so than i let on to my closest friends. i grew up in nyc and moved to wa (federal way) at the onset of 13 (SUCH an awkward age) and spent 11 years in seattle. all i could think about when i was in washington was how much it didn’t feel like home to me, how anywhere i was meant to be was back on the east coast. i never found ‘it’ for me in washington, even after 11 years, and re-located to california, where i thought either sf or la would fit the ‘big city’ bill i was looking for – it happened to be la as i found a job there first. i spent three and a half really awkward, uncomfortable years in la, struggling between three corporate day jobs i hated (i can say this now) and yearning to do something more creative with my life, a sh*tty love life, and having every single friend be in the entertainment business, also somewhere i did not belong. and again, the entire time thinking i should just be back in nyc.
fast forward now to finally living back in nyc, and there are days when it’s painful for me to admit i might have made a mistake. i love this city at my core, but it’s changed…it’s not what i remember it to be at age 13, and my priorities are vastly different now. i feel slightly ashamed i didn’t “stick” with la a little longer than i wish i had, that i threw in the towel so prematurely. unfortunately, after a $5k move, this isn’t an easy mistake to admit, i’ll probably be in denial for some time. moral of the story, i still don’t know where my home is, and part of me thinks it will never be one, singular place as much as it is a state of mind. there’s some part of me that longs to be back in la or even maybe northern california, and there are definitely days where i miss seattle (never would’ve thought), but i completely relate – that doesn’t feel right, either. i don’t know if this is where i belong, at least, i don’t feel like it yet. coming from your original ‘bits of my weekend’ post, it renders me envious but so happy for you that you found that in la as i never could.
as an aside, sorry that i just gave you the story of my life in a blog comment. maybe when i’ve grown past this someday, i’ll spill the whole thing on my own blog, but for now, it can sort of live here, semi-anonymously.
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