Lately I’m teaching myself to be more patient. I’m sure that many of you can relate, but the internet is making me ADD (I’ve touched on this before, and it’s why I cut down on blogging), and I cannot sit still for a second to let something load without that nervous tick kicking in that tells me check gmail, check twitter. It could literally be just a 30 second wait, saving a file or something, and I twitch twitch twitch. But it spills over outside of my digital life, making me impatient with the sound of silence and the act of doing nothing. Standing in line somewhere. twitch twitch twitch. Eating dinner. twitch twitch twitch. Sitting in traffic. twitch twitch twitch. It’s not entirely uncalled for – I am busy lately, piling up my plate and stuffing my mouth with more than I can chew, so those minutes spent standing in line and sitting in traffic eat away at my to-do list, funneling down my fingers, tapping my steering wheel or drumming on my thighs.
I can’t remember the exact moment that it dawned on me that it had to stop, but it’s a struggle for me lately to sit calmly and let things load, cars inch forward, lines move slowly. On the computer my trick is to fold my hands in my lap. It sounds silly, but it works. I hit save on a huge file, I fold my hands, I zone out. I savor that moment. Last night we were eating dinner at a restaurant, and I took a moment to slow down and the waiter mistook this as a sign that I was done and asked to take my plate, and I realized that a lot of us reinforce this habit, hurrying each other. Hence the difficulty in changing. But I’m trying, and I hope that I can lead by example (*coughboyfriendcough*).
This week was one of those whatever can go wrong, will go wrong weeks (does June gloom also bring June doom, Angelenos?), but I just fold my hands in my lap and zone out, waiting for what I cannot control to pass. Silver lining: my new camera came and it’s the best, we made a life plan for the coming year that terrifies and excites me, I’m eating healthier lately (though I had to quit seeing my nutritionist because I can’t afford her, but that’s a story for another day), and riding my bike makes me feel weightless, where the only thing on my to-do list is feeling the damn wind in my hair.
ps. fist-bump to Jenna for her thoughts on being zen, which I enjoyed and got me thinking about posting my own.